Laughing Without Fear

Every year I make it a priority to dwell upon the year before and create some resolutions for myself. This year, I wanted to center my life around my life verse:

  "She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." 
(Proverbs 31:25)

After coming out of the amazement and wonder that accompanies studying abroad, I knew that I needed to have a central mindset to adopt for this year so that I could keep my mind focused on the many tasks at hand.

Through Copenhagen, the Lord really wanted me to learn how to live in the moment, especially because I wanted to be back home experiencing things that everyone else was experiencing. Now I am having to live in the moment but in the reverse. Living in the moment is even more important for me at this stage of life. I can't live in the past and dwell constantly upon Copenhagen and the dream I lived out while there, but I also can't live in the future and worry about what I'm going to do after University. It's a very difficult balance that I have definitely not found yet. Day to day, I have to tell myself to focus on what is in front of me, whether that be a girlfriend for coffee, my sister who is trying to tell me an exciting story or my Physics professor. In the past, I would be physically present somewhere, but fail to be mentally present since I was planning my life in my head, trying to solve a homework problem or just zoning out. God has really challenged me to live in the moment because it allows me to focus on what God has placed in front of me, instead of trying to live according to what Emma wants all of the time.

Many people (especially through the last week) have asked me "How are you doing?" with a hint of curiosity in their voice because they expect me to be having a really hard time adjusting. Others are just wondering when the crap will hit the ceiling in my life and to be honest so am I. Over these past three weeks, I have been so happy and content... it's been scary! I've had a hard time understanding it. As I have dwelt upon the reasons for this happiness, I've realized that the sole reason is God. There was a day in Copenhagen where I began having a panic attack when I thought about coming back home and having to get integrated back into my church, train my brain into studying again (study abroad? We all know it's just abroad...), and furthering friendships. I was so worried. God has totally had his hand around me for sure through these past three weeks. As I am adjusting back and encountering the American way of life, I have been forced to be in constant communication with God and that has made the world of difference. When I walked into my college church group expecting it to feel like home, but it felt totally different, I gave it to God. When I failed my first quiz in Biochemistry, I gave it to the Lord. When I woke up with the absolute worst attitude because it was cold and early and my tea was bad, I gave it to the Lord. I've just realized how much I need God every single moment of my day and how much better my days are when he is part of them!

I have also realized that I am a different person. My friends have told me that I've changed a lot but I didn't really believe them until I'd had the chance to be back home. There have been many days when I have realized that I have to make a decision. Am I going to fall back into my old routines, or am I going to create new ones that represent my changed self? There have been many times when I want to choose the easy path, but making new routines like making myself talk to new people at church, or making myself run in freezing temperatures, or just not drinking Cheerwine for my health has made such a difference in adjusting back home.

I know that right now, I'm enjoying being back because life is different and new and yet all the same but I don't doubt that there will be a time where that will wear off. However, now I am choosing to live in the moment and rely on God because he is the source of my happiness.

--GeneticGinger